Sunday, May 22, 2011

Run Sasha Run

First, I acknowledge the fact that I am using the title from a great German movie “Run Lola Run”. (recommend!) Second, I promise I don’t need 100,000F to save my boy-friend’s life and there is only 20 min left to do so. The reason I chose this title is solely because running is my salvation, especially more so these days or any days I feel a need to release my tension.
I wasn’t a runner all my life; in fact, in school I would come up with all sorts of excuses to not run a pathetic 1m we had to do every morning. At the university, I got more creative with my reasons, there was always a period that was super long and sometimes twice a month. Seriously, at some point my trainer started keeping a calendar with my cycles! I still have night mares when he shows up in my dreams with that calendar and a big F for the semester in my gym class (we had those in Russia, I guess to keep us away from drinking or drugs). 
I think that resistance was because I refused to do something with my body that wasn’t my choice, period. In any case, because of the above mentioned experiences I didn’t discover one of my biggest passions till later in my life, about 3 year ago and by my own choice. 
I signed for the gym 3 year ago as I knew I couldn’t spend all of my little precious time outside the office at the bookstores or drinking wine. So I went and I tried and the more I did, the more I liked it. I discovered something truly amazing. Running makes me happy. It releases any negative emotions, tensions, etc. I feel liberated. It is my meditation in motion. 
How hadn’t I known about this love for so long. I knew I always was a fast walker, even if I wasn’t in a rush I rushed. I love speed.
It got me thinking then Why is it that I am always in a rush and running makes me happy? Is it because I am running away from something that bothers me or running to something that I yet don’t have? Could it be both? I know that I would run faster and more when I was going through difficult times in my last relationship. I was running away from the decisions I had to make. Once decisions were made, I would run even more from the consequences. Then I would stop or lower my speed for a while to gain even a faster pace later. 
These days I run the fastest and longest. But I am happy to admit that at least now I am no longer running away from but running to. What it is I am running to I am not entirely sure myself but the journey makes me happy. And there is nothing more important than a happy run.

I know one day I'll stop running from or to, and I will solely run because I love it, especially that I'll know that this love I can always count on.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Test Revelation

It happened last week when I was taking some personality test. I mean I know who I am and long past that period when personality tests made a lot of sense. Remember, What is Your Dream Guy? or How Goddess Are You? No, my favourite is What Animal Would You Be? I think I was a dog or a cat? maybe both.. Anyway, the test I was taking last week was about relationships I think. There was a question What did you like in your most successful relationship?
What did I like?! In my most successful relationship?! I had the moment when everything just went blank. If there is a program in my mind similar to the one in computers I think it just froze and then shut down when I realized that I didn’t have the most successful relationship, any successful relationship, in fact. Really if I did then I wouldn’t be single would I? Unless of course if the partner died or was kidnapped by aliens. I mean really I wouldn’t even be taking a relationship test if I had a successful relationship. Why would I need a relationship test? To test how successful it is on a scale from 1 to10 with 10 being the most successful? 
How can it be that in 10 years of dating I still haven’t had a successful relationship. I had  long term relationships, I had short ones, I dated men from different backgrounds, different countries, and none of them was a success. Even my 4.5 year relationship turned out not successful when crying on the floor I had to admit to him and mostly to myself that I wasn’t in love anymore. And if I am not in love, I am not in a relationship. That’s why I had short relationships or no relationship relationships (understand to your ability please). And what is love that I need to make me be in a relationship? I guess I would know the answer to that question if I had a successful relationship. Ok, now I am being sarcastic.
But the saddest part is that all these years I thought that I had great relationships, I was great, the men I was with were great. I even told my friends that I was proud of all my ex’s and had great relationships. It wasn’t till last week when I was taking a freaking test that I don’t even remember what was about that I realized that I was clueless all these years. I am still saying that men I dated were great, and I am great! But us together - not so great. 
After a little bit more of soul searching I realized it was because we (all my ex’s and I) were not to be. We were together for a reason and once there was no reason we parted. So it is not that I am a failure when it came to relationships, I was just gaining my experience. Or as we say it in a career world, working on my resume. 
I forgive myself for not having had success so far cause I know that now since I’ve built a strong resume success is next to follow.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Texting and how it serves relationships

Would anyone please shed some light for me on a modern day issue. Is it normal if you go away for a month due to some emergency and once you’re back the guy you’d had an intimate relationship before the trip doesn’t call you? He texts.. He texts for several weeks before you actually meet, if you ever do.. I understand we all live in a very advanced digital world these days where most plans are made over texting. Text has become an accepted norm of communication to make plans, to express your feelings, to have a fight, to even break up. And it’s understandable why that is. It is easy, fast and minimum drama. But isn’t it also a bermuda triangle of unspoken thoughts and feelings? When you hear the voice it’s the tone rather than the words that often tell you more about the person and how he or she feels. And when you actually face the person it’s the mimic and body language that speak louder than anything. So texting is failing us in two ways: first, the concise nature of texting limits what one can really say; secondly, it doesn’t really tell you how the other side feels. Smily face is still just a smily face while an actual smile could have so many expressions. I only see one benefit in sorting out a relationship thru texting. You can take whatever the other side texted and interpret it the way that serves you.  
I’ve had misunderstandings due to texting before but the last experience made me really think whether I want it to be a way to communicate with a partner. Jeff was a first partner since Emre and I parted. I met Jeff over a year ago right after I met Emre in October of 2009, and although he tried to pursue me I already set my heart on Emre and had to say No to Jeff in as much polite way as possible over a text. Eight months passed by since that and when Emre and I broke up for the first time, Jeff and I arranged a date over a text. We had lunch nothing else, but the following week Emre and I got back together and I sent a polite text to Jeff again. We didn’t reconnect with Jeff till after the next 8 months passed by when it was a final split for Emre and I. I texted something along the line that it was snowing outside and it reminded me of our meeting back in 2009. He texted back and we made a plan to meet. We would text during the week, then get together on weekends, and like that for a couple of months. You see texting has always been the way we communicated outside of weekends when we would be together. I think there were a couple of phone calls, once when I was freaking out whether I was ready to be dating. First we sent a million texts until he finally called me and put my mind to rest. and the second time, when the earlier mentioned emergency happened and I was on the way to JFK. He called to wish Good luck and say Good bye.
The trip went well and a month later I was back in NY. I texted him I was back and we arranged to meet the following day. Like many arrangements in NY, It didn’t happen and we agreed to try next week. It didn’t happen next week either, and we agreed to try next week. The week came by and the day we were supposed to meet arrived. I texted him I was with friends out drinking wine. He texted back asking me to text him once I was free to meet him. I guess it was that time that I just lost it. I blew the issue out of hands, I put on a drama queen and I was great at it. It was a text a war. I was attacking he was defending for the next 12 hours. and not even one phone call. Then I realized the reason was is that he never called me since I got back and even when I was reacting and picking up a fight he just didn’t dial my number and deep inside I expected it. He was prompt with his text responses but why didn’t he call me? I asked him and he said that he thought it was the way I preferred it and he was just following the walked road. I was lost. Was it all right and basically I just overreacted or has this texting relationship run it’s course? Needless to say, I apologized over a text the next day and he texted back that it was ok. But was it really? Still not a single phone call? One smart person once said: If you don’t know what to do, do nothing. And I try to follow this philosophy as much as I can. So I just deleted all Jeff’s texts from 2009 to this day. And then I didn’t do anything. I assume the partner and love I am looking for would be able to pick up the phone and dial me for no other reason than just to hear my voice. Especially when he hasn’t seen me in awhile. So that was the answer.

I’m not giving up on texting, by no means. But I am giving up on using it as an essential  communication tool with my next partner. In the end it’s not old fashioned to call. It’s the way to show that you missed the person’s voice and want to hear it. And that will never go out of style.

Heart, mind and in between

My girl friends and I came to NY all approximately at the same time somewhere in 2001, the year when the twin towers went down. We were a day away from turning 20 and full of hopes and aspirations. There were high career ambitions, self development goals and for most dreams of big love. The dream to find true love was one thing we all shared, and it seemed absolutely real to us. We were young, good-looking, smart and had something that american women did not (or so we thought at the time). We had a soul, a russian soul that is as deep as the Atlantic Ocean separating two continents. Whoever said that the russian soul is enigma wrapped in mystery knows what I am talking about.
We were completely crazy with american men and did everything to stay away from russian guys. Even though we all had a russian father it was not enough to convince us to have a relationship with one. We were positive that a soulful heart of a russian woman would be a perfect balance to a practical mind of an american man. And so we set our eyes on finding that perfect partner. Some girlfriends were looking for a Brad Pitt alike, one was in love with Johnny Depp, the other wanted a guy with a house upstate and a dog. 
As for me, since 15 after I read “Gone with the Wind” (GWTW) for the first time, my heart and soul belonged to Rhett Butler. It was then when I learned how to read at night under the blanket with a pencil flash flight, how during the classes to cover the book with a text book pretending to be studying. Once I would finish the book I would start reading it again on the same day. Any attempt to read another book felt like cheating and I would always run back to GWTW. I knew it was because I found him, the man of my dreams.  Up till these days the friends that knew me back then ask me whether I met my Rhett Butler (RB). And the truth is I haven’t. Almost 15 years later and a series of uneventful relationships on my count I still haven’t met him. 
Currently single and on a mission to stay this way until I know it’s him, I’ve decided to write instead and shift my focus from dating. Really what is the point now that I’ve dated enough of men I knew from the beginning were not the one. I love to hear it when people tell me that the moment they met their lover they knew he/she was the one. So if so many people feel it every day why shouldn’t I wait till I meet someone who makes me feel that way too. Besides when I met RB, in a literary world anyway, I knew he was the one. Then this feeling shouldn’t be too foreign to me. I am now firm not to get into a new relationship until I know he is the one. Not sure if the he-is-the-one feeling will strike me the moment I meet him I will give it some time before making any decisions.
Anyway, as the last 10 years unfolded, some of my friends realized they didn’t care about a practical american mind that much and settled with another russian heart instead. Some of them ended up happily married with children, some unhappily married with children. But all of them were the russian community the rest of us eventually drifted away from. As for the rest of us, we find ourselves still floating in-between loves, fighting inside to whether settle down with someone good enough or keep floating. 
I was fighting myself for year and finally had to accept my truth. I choose to follow my heart. I might never meet my RB but I believe I have a chance meeting someone who would speak my language. Someone who would inspire me to be the best I can be and would make me feel like I’ve finally come home.
As for now I will be writing, going out, kissing, drinking, working, traveling, etc. But I will stay single until I know I’ve come home.